


i can't breathe.

by Ectania



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Minor Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Space Dad Hank Henshaw | J'onn J'onzz, possible triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 11:12:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14043006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ectania/pseuds/Ectania
Summary: Some days are harder than others for Alex Danvers. Some days she might feel on top of the world, and some days she just kind of… exists. Some days are the worst of all, the little voice in her head reminding her of her flaws and previous mistakes, seemingly cackling at her pain and suffering. It’s been a long race for the older Danvers, and she’s tired, running for that long can do such a thing.





	i can't breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> Kinda mopey, but hopefully helps some of y’all through the obstacles of life and realize that sometimes shit happens, the only thing that you can ask out of yourself if your best effort. I know everyone is different and some won’t be able to relate to this, but I hope it increases your overall understanding and appreciation for the world around us, even though it’s tough. Enjoy.
> 
> Inspired by “i can’t breath” by Bea Miller. I recommend that you listen to this in the background, it really captures what this almost indescribable emotion is.

It’s probably happened to most of you reading this. The moment when the stress from the different aspects of your life finally comes crashing down all at once, quite similar to an elephant falling on you. It’s normal. It’s ok. Even the best of us have succumbed to it at least once. It’s no different for Alex Danvers, despite the calm, composed, exterior she’s had her fair share of the “crashing elephants”.

Some days are harder than others for Alex Danvers. Some days she might feel on top of the world, and some days she just kind of… exists. Some days are the worst of all, the little voice in her head reminding her of her flaws and previous mistakes, seemingly cackling at her pain and suffering. It’s been a long race for the older Danvers, and she’s tired, running for that long can do such a thing.

Having a sister with superpowers, both physically and mentally, crashing into her life unexpectedly isn’t something Alex Danvers would've ever thought she’d relate to, but here she is. Alex had always prided herself on her academic and intellectual capabilities. The walls of her house were decorated of various pictures of her getting trophies or certificates, as well as the mantle being home to some of her greatest accomplishments, like her acceptance letter to study medicine at Stanford on a swimming scholarship, which she got in her second semester of sophomore year. She was so damn proud of that letter. Then Kara came. The Kryptonian had already learnt much more than humans could ever imagine learning in a lifetime. Kara’s perfect score on the PSAT as a 10-year-old in 9th grade replaced the letter. Slowly but surely, the photos across the house changed from being of the older Danvers to the younger Danvers. The only pictures left of Alex in the house were only when she was in the picture with Kara. It was as though she was an old toy, someone had their fun and enjoyment with her, but when they got a new toy she was completely forgotten. She knows that it was done so that Kara could feel more comfortable and welcome, but the tendrils of inferiority had already snuck their way into Alex. She remembers thinking about what else she had left to offer the world. It got progressively worse as she continued through her time at Stanford, where she finished her MD/ Ph.D. It got to the point where the only way she could get through the day was the promise of being drunk and getting laid in the nighttime. She knew this wasn’t healthy, but she felt powerless. After getting arrested and talking to J’onn she joined the DEO, she finally took the baby steps she knew she needed to get better. She wishes she believed in herself a little bit more all that time ago.

Along with the inferiority, were 2 of the possibly worst situations one could ever possibly be in. Not being able to express yourself, and two, never being able to meet the expectations that you set for yourself. 

The majority of her high school years were mostly plagued with the feeling of being completely inaudible. Kara, of course, became the main priority of the Danvers family. She felt truly and completely strangled those years, her thoughts swirling around in her head. Internally, she might as well have been screaming till her voice gave out and her throat was completely dried, except for the slow trickle of blood from the sheer force of the yelling, sliding down her throat. Her hands bruised from hitting the barriers of her invisible prison. The silence was so deafening, she wasn’t even sure she could hear herself anymore. Sure, she talked to her friends, but they weren’t her family of any kind, not even really her chosen family either. The most important emotions and thoughts that you should be able to share with someone you considered family was completely shut down. The sound of her actual voice surprised her sometimes. She wishes that she didn’t feel so trapped then. 

Alex always knew that she wanted great things from herself. She knew her pursuit to become a doctor was a challenging one, but she didn’t let that detract from the one thing she could control in her life. She studied relentlessly, waking up early and falling asleep on her desk over her notes almost every night. She usually skipped dinner and her breakfast consisted of a quick granola bar. She constantly was on a 100% focus mode, determined to succeed. Her grades were incredible, and her resume was perfect. The only times her grades had ever wavered from the acceptable 99 or above was on particularly stressful weeks. Like most of us, she thought it wasn’t good enough. So more hours of sleep were cut, and she unknowingly suffered further. Looking back, she realized she probably would’ve gotten a 0 in every class if it was based on how much enjoyment that she had during high school. She honestly doesn’t remember going out with friends or having some “me time” for the entirety of high school until the last week of senior year. She never went to any football games, school spirit day, or even any of the school dances, just for fun. She doesn’t know how she didn’t realize that she was burnt out. She wishes that she had realized how much she had missed back then.

 

While Alex has been running her race for a while, she realizes that stopping and resting is the only way to gain any semblance of a life back. She also realizes that she doesn’t have to face the so-called “moment of reckoning” alone. Even though Alex had tried to distance herself from the people she loved in the figurative audience, she underestimated the power of modern technology in the form of a car with a GPS. Whoops. She should’ve known that the L-Corp duo (Sam and Lena) were able to build that. The duo also managed to fit everyone she keeps closest to her heart, consisting of Kara, Sam, Lena, J’onn, also James, Winn, and even Maggie in this imaginary car. While James and Winn helped Alex immensely through their lack of critical judgement, Alex could’ve have made it as far as she’s gone now if it weren’t for Lena, her new best friend {and possible sister-in-law?!}, Sam, her loving fiancé, Kara, her puppy dog of a sister, J’onn, her loving alien dad, and somehow Maggie, even through all the pain.

Though she was completely distrusting of Lena at first, Kara’s strong friendship, which turned into a romantic relationship, forced Alex to actually associated and converse with the CEO. Like many other things, she never expected to relate to the younger Luthor so much. While Lena provided the general “fluff” of a friendship, like nerding out over the newest episode of Game of Thrones, she also provided the understanding necessary to a good friendship. Feeling inferiority and the immense trap of feeling unheard was something the Luthor very used to. Her brother was the family’s prize child, so even though Lena accomplished something very impressive, her brother would always topple it. In order to go through life with the Luthors, she had to keep to herself to avoid unwanted situations. She could easily relate. Alex doesn’t think she could ever understand why she didn’t like the Luthor. After all, she turned out to be one of the most positively impactful people her life. She’s also the only person that Alex has ever deemed to be good enough to be with Kara. She wishes that she’d been more understanding of Lena.

Despite some of the unintentional problems that Kara has caused her, Alex will forever hold Kara the closest to her heart, with only Sam vying for that same spot. When Kara realized all the pain that she had caused Alex, she burst out into tears babbling out apologies and the reasoning for her late realization. Alex then realized that she’d gone from being Kara’s rock to Kara being her rock. She knew that she could trust her life in the life of her sister, superpowers or not. She doesn’t think that she’ll ever forget all the times after that incident that she’s asked Kara for advice, cried on her shoulder, or just generally depended on her. Their love for each other has exponentially grown and Alex doesn’t think that she could be any happier with that. She wishes that she learnt to love her sister, with the veracity she has now, earlier. 

Sam was another surprise in her life, though completely welcomed. They first connected through Sam’s recovery in the DEO. Infatuation turned into admiration which turned into lust. This lust led to having lunch together (aka “friend” dates), which turned into drinks, which turned into actual dinner dates after Sam put on her big girl pants and asked Alex out. These dates led to the first of many "I love you"'s, which led to Alex moving into Sam’s penthouse, which led to some of the best moments of Alex’s life. The simplicity of the things she’d never really appreciated or enjoyed slowly came out. One day brought so much opportunity to do so. She now normally woke up freakishly early to watch the sunrise (and sleepy Sam of course) and start making breakfast for Sam. Alex especially enjoyed when Sam wrapped her arms around her waist and put her head on Alex’s shoulder to try and get some more rest. They both go to work and they sometimes have lunch dates when Sam is free. Alex can’t wait to get home every evening because she knows a pint of ice cream and FRIENDS (the TV show) with the love of her life is all she really needs. They both get ready for bed, and Sam gives her a goodnight kiss on her forehead and softly hums while they cuddle, leaving Alex completely conked out. She really does love the fact that Sam has taught her what true love is really about, the acceptance of yourself by yourself, that’s appreciated by someone enough to love you for you. Alex never really felt like her 100% authentic self, until she met Sam and was able to be herself and speak freely about anything, even something as crazy as if there was ever an elephant-squirrel and if it’s even possible to breed one. Sam’s the one to really be the catalyst for positive change in Alex’s life. I guess that’s why Alex finally put on her big girl pants and asked Sam to marry her. She wishes that she had had the courage to be herself earlier. 

Maggie was her first true love. She had changed Alex’s life, but at the time Alex didn’t really know if it was for the better or worse. Alex had more or less known her whole life, but she still couldn’t bring herself to accept it. The drinking and sleeping around (with men) helped to forget. It’s hard to forget an intrinsic part of yourself, even she couldn’t do it. All she had even wanted her whole life was someone that she could wholly love, but more importantly, wholly love her. She hoped silence and the inferiority she felt would be quelled when the sound of love soothed her demons. Then she met Maggie. Her wit and view on life made Alex realize that she’d been living her life looking through a pair of dirty glasses. Maggie cleaned them up pretty quickly. Everything that was right in front of her was finally visible, she couldn’t hide behind her old veneer of ignorance. Maggie really helped her, especially with the Realization™. Maggie had helped Alex, and Alex knew she would never be able to thank Maggie for showing her who she really was. But, Maggie was too good to be true. This was on the backburner of Alex’s mind throughout her relationship. It started with the proposal. It got worse, and somehow neither of them realized it until it was too late. Tensions rose as conversations occurred. She almost felt trapped again, in the invisible prison. She couldn’t hear herself. They also realized something very, very important. They didn’t really know each other. Sure they knew each other's favorite color, food, movie, but the true understanding of the consciousness inside the other’s bodies was severely lacking. Their differing opinions of having kids would’ve led Alex to transition her relationship to Maggie from romantically to friendly. She knew she had wanted kids, so she could love, guide, and support them like she hadn’t been as a child. She knew she had to let the best thing in her life go, it was the only way to ensure both of their happiness. She still loved Maggie with all of her heart, just in a different way. Even though she had to let her first love go, Alex knew her impact would never be forgotten. Alex isn’t afraid of change anymore. She’s learnt that change isn’t always bad, it also good. She wishes she wasn’t afraid of change, happiness could’ve been in her life much earlier. 

J’onn was the only one she could even thank for the opportunity to be able to mend old relationships and make new ones. J’onn was the parental-figure that Alex had needed a while back but never got due to the loss of her father, and the subsequent detachment of her mother from the rest of the world. He had seen her in the worst time in her life. Her DUI was the catalyst for her healing, as well as her growth. J’onn had finally given her what she’d needed at the time, a stern, but caring explanation of why she shouldn’t continue this behavior. He had believed in her capabilities much before she ever would. She continued to grow closer to J’onn while climbing up the ranks of the DEO. J’onn was the alien dad she never knew she needed. He not only believed in her, but he taught her about the fickle emotions of love and how to express them. He didn’t need his extraterrestrial skills to know when his “adoptive daughter” was feeling down. Alex can’t forget the coffees and her favorite banana pudding that had a little sticky note with a heart. She didn’t need to steal any of his files to know it was his handwriting. She finally felt unconditionally loved. The feeling of his love enveloped her from the chaos of life when it was too much sometimes. J’onn also taught her that love and distance aren’t factors in your relationships if the effort and care are put into maintaining them. His love for the family he lost still astounds Alex. His love, appreciation, and acceptance of M’Gann isn’t something anyone could ignore. Everyone in the DEO could feel his love traveling through space to meet M’Gann all the way on Mars. She loved J’onn and he loved her. They don’t really need to say it all the time. They know it. She wishes that she had given more love to others as J’onn has given her, earlier. 

It took her a while, and she’s learnt a lot about herself. There are still the good days, the “meh” day, and the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad days, that'll never change. Now, she just takes every day as a light jog instead of a full-out sprint. She knows now that the run that she’s been running isn’t about her demons and greatest fears. It’s the notorious marathon of life. She also knows that the people she keeps close to her heart’ll give her some water (with ice) along with some respite. All she’s gotta do is ask. She wishes that her past self will realize that her future isn’t all that bad. All of her wishes didn’t come true, but the intent, understanding, and memories that are behind the wishes themselves are all that she needs to remember. 

She can finally breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> If y’all enjoyed this, please leave a kudos. If you have something to say about this work or in relation to it, I highly encourage you to “speak” your mind in the comments below. I appreciate y'all spending time reading this, especially since this is quite a heavy piece of writing.
> 
> As a final note, I just want to remind y’all that while there is a plentiful amount of strife, ignorance, and hatred; peace, understanding, and love is plentiful as well. It'll probably take a little searching though.
> 
> Love,  
> E


End file.
